I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
