he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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