dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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