Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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