We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
