my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Ambien. No doubt about it.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
