Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
How's work?
Spinning.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Drake has all the answers
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
