So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
