I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
