I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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