I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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