Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
