So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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