Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
