my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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