btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
