if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
