I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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