guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
its liver damage thursday
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
