accomplished twins. life is a go
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
