Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
