i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
