You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
