this just has baby written all over it
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
