Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
