I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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