your parents love me but you hate me
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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