You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
