she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
