ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
