Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
