I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
