I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
