You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Send help, water and tortillas.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
