I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
