I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
