I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
