it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
