the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
