and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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