I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
