Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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