i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
