Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
