just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
