Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
