She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There's always time for handjobs
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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