I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
