i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
