omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
